We Just Need to Communicate?

"We just don't communicate."

It's probably one of the most common statements I hear when couples first come to counseling.

Sometimes it's,

"We just can't communicate."

Sometimes it's,

"Our communication is terrible."

Other times it sounds more like,

"He just shuts down every time I try to talk to him."

"She says the same things over and over."

"He doesn't seem to care what I have to say."

"She's just frustrated every time I try."

Eventually, many of those experiences seem to land in the same place.

"We just need to communicate better."

I understand why people say that.

Honestly...you're probably right to an extent.

Approaching communication differently would almost certainly help.

I'm just not convinced that's the whole story.

One of the things I often find myself saying in counseling usually catches couples a little off guard.

"Eh...I actually think you communicate quite a bit."

Now they're looking at me like I've lost my mind.

So I keep going.

"I just don't think you're communicating about what really matters."

What are we actually communicating?

When I say, "I don't think you're communicating about what really matters," this is what I mean.

Most couples aren't struggling to communicate their observations. They're actually quite good at it.

"You didn’t call, again."

"The dishes are still in the sink."

"You're always on your phone."

Those are observations.

Sometimes they're accurate observations.

Sometimes they aren't.

But whether they're accurate isn't usually where I find myself spending most of my time.

I'm often more interested in what those observations have come to mean.

Let's go back to the dishes for a minute.

If you've worked all day, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen twice already, helped the kids with homework, and your spouse walks past the overflowing sink for the fifth time this week...

...I'd probably be frustrated too.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be.

Sometimes the dishes really are about the dishes.

But I'm curious.

If your spouse loaded the dishwasher tomorrow morning...

Would the relationship suddenly feel different?

For some couples, maybe.

For many couples...

...I'm not so sure.

The dishes become the conversation.

What’s underneath never does.

And that's what I mean when I say I don't think you're communicating about what really matters.

You're talking about the dishes while hoping your spouse understands what the dishes have come to mean.

“So Then, Who’s Right?”

There are a handful of questions I find myself asking over and over in counseling.

And they're often quite different from what couples expect.

If I ask what happened, I'll usually hear something like...

"I grabbed a few beers on my way home after work on Friday."

"She's always got an attitude."

"He never tells me what he's thinking."

So then, who's right?

The million-dollar question...right?

One of the things my experiences—in Marriage & Family Therapy, child welfare, and honestly just existing as a person in this world—have continued to remind me is that people—and relationships—are usually more complex than simply right versus wrong.

That doesn't mean every response is healthy.

It doesn't mean every belief is accurate.

It doesn't mean hurtful behavior suddenly becomes justified.

And it certainly doesn't mean things can't change.

It simply means that when we're willing to slow down and become curious, we often discover there's more to the story than we first realized.

A different perspective

Maybe the next time you find yourself thinking,

"We just need to communicate better,"

pause for just a moment.

Sometimes the disagreement in front of us isn't the whole story.

Sometimes it's pointing toward something deeper.

And perhaps that's one of the greatest opportunities counseling offers.

Not taking sides.

Not handing out quick advice.

But helping you discover what you've been trying to communicate all along.

In the next exploration, we'll look at why understanding one another still isn't the whole picture and how the patterns we develop in relationships often keep us returning to the same conversations—even when we genuinely want something different.

Stay curious,

Jessica

About the Author

Jessica Taylor is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Associate and founder of Vine Therapy Group in Summerville, South Carolina. She works with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families from a relational perspective, integrating clinical practice with a Christian understanding of people, relationships, and growth. Jessica is passionate about helping people slow down, stay curious, and understand the deeper patterns shaping their lives and relationships.

If these explorations resonate with you and you'd like to explore personalized support, schedule a consultation with Jessica Taylor, LMFT-A.

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Next Exploration → Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument?

Understanding one another is important, but why do we still find ourselves having the same disagreements? Explore how relationship patterns quietly shape conflict.